‘Bachelorette’ Recap: Don’t Cry for Derek, Argentina
This episode of The Bachelorette was one of the campiest episodes of The Bachelorette that ever happened, yet still managed to be dull in stretches. But we got to see beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina! Also, two dudes went home, while one was saved from the "no rose" heap.
There are EIGHT MEN LEFT at the top of hour 1. Chris Harrison tells the contestants that for the first time in Bachelorette history, there will be a second two-on-one date —meaning not two but three people are definitely going home this week. "Please don’t let it be Wells," I muttered to myself at this news, even though as a friend said, Wells seems like he "might be there on a dare."
Speaking of which: Wells finally gets a one-on-one with JoJo.
“I’ll be frank with you guys, I think I’m the only guy here who hasn’t kissed her,” he tells the other men, to awkward silence all around. “Oh, we all have. Like, a LOT,” was basically the group’s reply off camera. Then when JoJo arrives, they all ask her about whether she's gonna kiss Wells. What even is this show?
Their date starts with an awkward trip to the open-air market. Wells buys JoJo a trinket, as we cut back to all the dudes STILL talking about how Wells hasn't kissed JoJo yet. They are seven men obsessed.
Wells and JoJo visit the theater putting on Fuerza Bruta, which they also have in New York, but I've never gone because I thought it rains on you or something. The Fuerza Bruta people teach them to practice stunts from the show, because the Bachelor/Bachelorette is all about "adventurous"/embarrassing dates.
"There’s something rilly sexy about what we’re doing,” JoJo says, as the two of them flail around a wave pool in tight activewear. I wouldn't feel the same, but Wells apparently does, because they finally start making out. Then they head to dinner in a fancy old mansion which is, like most romantic Bachelorette locations, way too bright.
“You’re a very intriguing person,” JoJo says. Has she maybe never met a man who wasn’t an ex-Marine or former professional athlete before? Wells tells JoJo he dated someone for four years but they became "just best friends that were living together."
“Everyone always says, like, that passion goes away, right?” JoJo muses. “Does it? Does it have to? Wells gives her a “what?” look when she says she's "looking for a fairy tale love," because that's the childish notion of someone who's never dated someone for longer than three years.
JoJo takes out the date rose, delivers a long monologue while waving it in his face, and tells him to go home. Damn, girl! Bye, Wells. You were too beautiful for this Bachelorette world, and your hair's not tall enough for JoJo.
Then she goes back to Fuerza Bruta to watch it alone while she hugs herself(????????).
Group date time: James, Luke, Robby, Jordan and Alex go on a date with JoJo, and they play soccer because Argentina. James Taylor says he knows he’s not as “sexy” and athletic as the other guys, half of whom are former professional athletes.
Meanwhile, JoJo’s pants are still aflame for Luke. They snuggle up for some honest conversation about their intense attraction, which leads to grope-heavy frenching. She somehow avoids getting scraped by all the angles of his face.
Driven by insecurity, James Taylor wastes his private time with JoJo by talking about how fame whore-y and "privileged" Jordan is. Perhaps learning from that time she ignored 14,000 warnings about Chad, she appears to take James’ words to heart — except she handles it by immediately pulling Jordan into another room to ask him directly. Either the producers forced her to do this, or JoJo still has no concept of "observational skills" and when they're useful.
Jordan denies James Taylor's allegations, OBVIOUSLY, and says he doesn't even "know what entitled means." What entitled person would ever look at themselves objectively and say "I do act like I'm inherently more deserving than I actually am, yeah"? There's very little self-awareness in entitlement. JoJo remains a terrible judge of character.
“Okay cool because I REALLY want to be engaged at the end of this,” JoJo says, trying not to get distracted by visions of laughing with Olivia Munn at the Rodgers family picnic. Ultimately, she gives the group date rose to Luke, because that guy deeefinitely has a Fantasy Suite in his future.
Jordan attempts to grill James Taylor on whether or not he called Jordan "entitled," except he does it while swirling his wine with a bitchy look on his face.
And finally, it's time for dueling sentient Ken dolls Chase and Derek take JoJo on this unprecedented second two-on-one date. They head to a tango lesson, because JoJo says she thinks that’s a great way to sense compatibility (another lamentable notion of romance, claaaassic JoJo Fletcher). The dark-haired one is like “bluh bluh BLUH!” and the blonder one is all, “hunh hunh hunghungh.” I can’t with these dudes, you guys. They're too boring.
In private chats afterward, Derek reaches down deep for a sincere “I’m falling for you” — but after checking that Chase still likes her, JoJo gives Chase the rose. Chase and JoJo slow dance while an opera singer delivers a Spanish version of "Don’t Cry for Me Argentina"...while Derek does, indeed, cry in his goodbye limo ride. Oh, the heavy-handed poetry of it all.
Rose Ceremony O’Clock. Everyone pleads their final case and JoJo says she’s getting nervous about making the wrong choice (honestly, she probably will). After Robby, Luke and Jordan get the roses they were clearly going to get as the tallest men with the tallest hair, JoJo panics and bolts, leaving James Taylor and Alex hanging. The solution: Chris Harrison kicks JoJo an extra rose so both of them get one. This seems like a terrible precedent to set, but sure!
Alex, of course, is fuming. As he's stated weirdly often, Alex HATES a "pity rose"!
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