US Trade Reps Counter EU’s Proposal for Product Renaming

Earlier this week, during negotiations for a new Free Trade Agreement between the US and the European Union, Representatives for the EU asked that all American made products that are based on products that originate in Europe change their name to imply that they are based on the original product and produced in the US.

Examples of such labeling would include Kraft changing the label on their famous green can of Parmesan cheese to say, “Parmesan-like,” changing Feta cheese labels to “Feta Style” while removing any images or fonts that relate to Greece or Greek culture, and Oscar Meyer changing their jingle to “Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A-S-T-Y-L-E-L-U-N-C-H-M-E-A-T”

In response to this proposal, US trade reps announce that they will consider it, as long as the same requirement be put on products with American names that are produced in Europe.

The counter-proposal would require all European based companies find new names for American products like Buffalo wings, Texas Toast, New England clam chowder, and American cheese. The counter-proposal also includes provisions that would require all European products to strip any “American sounding” descriptions, English words if the national language isn’t English, and removing any American flags or American symbols from all product containers and advertising.

A grocery store clerk who has a best friend who has a second cousin who’s an aid to one of the trade reps took time to tell us about the reasoning behind the counter-proposal. “We are tired of the Europeans getting rich off American ideas and inventions. Even if their methodology is the same as what we do here in the US, and they can produce it at a lower cost than importing the original, it’s taking money out of the pockets of hard working Americans who don’t distribute to Europe anyways.”

So far, the only thing that is being discussed is products. No word yet if the agreement would expand its requirements to things like French kissing, Double Dutch jump roping, or the sexual position “The Italian Banker.”