We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy Alka Seltzer and carpet cleaner this week and here’s what we learned from Globe, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Life & Style and Star.

We can't deny that avoiding the express line has its privileges.

  • Globe

    • George Bush Sr. has a dying wish. He’s wishing that everyone would stop talking about him dying already because it's really bumming him out.
    • Jack Klugman took a secret to the grave. He never let a single houseguest know when he replaced their coffee with Folgers Crystals.
    • There are exclusive photos of a soap queen marrying Debbie Reynolds’ son. It's unclear whether the soap made her its queen or if it was a self-imposed title.
    • Pregnant Kate Middleton has walked out on the Royals after a nasty fight with Evil Camilla. She reportedly told her husband Prince William that she would come back after Camilla takes more meds and Nice Camilla comes back out to play.
  • Us Weekly

    • Kourtney Kardashian shares how she got thin fast by losing 44 pounds in six months. She said it wasn’t that difficult because 10 of those pounds were baby weight and the rest were ego.
    • Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux had a sexy vacation. Derp. How else is she getting pregnant with all those babies she's supposedly carrying?
    • Bethenny Frankel is still living with her ex-husband. Her ex says that while she's not a Real Housewife anymore, she is still a real pain in the ass.
    • No retouching was done on Kourtney Kardashian’s cover photo. A Kardashian publicist said that all retouching is done on Kourtney herself before photographers arrive.
    Us Weekly
  • National Enquirer

    • See a list of the best and worst celebrity diets. Health experts say the list is unnecessary since the photos of over- and underweight celebs will make you sick enough to lose your appetite anyway.
    • Chelsea Clinton has a pregnancy secret. A source close to the family says it’s how to not get pregnant and she’s hoping to share it with the entire cast of ‘Teen Moms.’
    • Khloe Kardashian has a plan to free O.J. from prison. "Prisoners shouldn't get fresh juice!" she cried as she carted out the bottles.
    • A 96-pound Kelly Ripa is just bones and muscles. She keeps her skin suit in the closet, but apparently it's totally weightless.
    National Enquirer
  • Life & Style

    • Khloe Kardashian has joy over a baby in the new year. A source says that, like any good sister, Khloe is excited that Kim will be heavier than she is.
    • Chris Brown cheated on Rihanna with a blonde. A shocked Rihanna couldn’t understand Brown’s choice since blondes bruise so easily.
    • Ashton Kutcher said to Mila Kunis, “Marry me.” Mila Kunis said to Ashton Kutcher, "Finalize your divorce and get back to me."
    • The stars have tips for peeling off holiday pounds. Next time you see a gorgeous celeb, just picture them as a giant banana. You'll feel better.
    Life & Style
  • Star

    • The divorce of Bruce and Kris Jenner has gotten nasty. Like pretty much everything else involving Bruce and Kris Jenner.
    • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a holiday surprise. While in Italy, they actually met someone to whom they did not feel superior.
    • Janet Jackson has a $1 billion pre-nup with an Arab prince. Among other things, the agreement states that Janet is prohibited from cheating on her betrothed and he has to call her Miss Jackson if he’s nasty.
    • Eddie Cibrian is burning through LeAnn Rimes’ money. It's her fault. She gives him a big quarterly bonus for staying.