Like our parole officer always says: "You only get one chance to make a good first impression."

On a first date, the stakes are high. This new, mystery woman could be a Venus incarnate goddess, capable of all kinds of sexual gymnastics. You wouldn’t want to scare her off with your pungent odor and ruin a chance for a roll in the hay, would you? Even scarier, though: she could be the girl of your dreams. What if you spoil your ‘happily ever after’ with some offense comment or inappropriate gesture?

No matter what your goal is, here are some do’s and dont's for the first few dates that will, hopefully, help you charm the pants off her, and maybe even win her heart.

Do: Show up on time. It’s better if you’re the one who has to wait, not her.

Don't: Fart and blame it on her.

Do: Keep it simple when choosing a location - This will make awkward mishaps significantly less likely. You can get fancier on date number four or five if the relationship continues to go well.

Don't: Order any food or drinks that are unnecessarily complicated, because everyone hates that guy.

Do: Dress nicely, and make sure your clothes are clean and comfortable.

Don't: Wear a costume. Of any kind. Or a tux.

Do: Smell good. Wear some kind of deodorant or cologne. It's a good idea to have bathed recently.

Don't: Apply Axe as if applying an even coat of spray paint. Actually, please don't use Axe at all.

Do: Give her sincere (or sincere sounding) compliments. Keep them friendly, and not overtly sexual.

Don't: Say “You have great boobs," even if she does. She probably does.

Do: Pay for dinner, drinks, cab fare or whatever else comes up. That’s just the classy thing to do. If she insists on paying for something, tell her she can buy a few drinks next time.

Don't: Offer her money for being hot. Women don't respond well to this, for some reason.

Do: Be a good conversationalist. Listen, be attentive and try to find a natural flow and balance so you can talk about things that interest the both of you.

Don't: Brag about yourself, or ramble about your baseball card or 'Star Wars' figure collections. She does not care, we promise.

Do: Ask her questions about herself.

Don’t: Interrogate her about her past relationships; you’re not a police detective. If you actually are, take the night off. You deserve it.

Do: Be funny and charming.

Don't: Lie. If she asks questions you’re not ready to answer, simply tell her that you’d prefer to talk about that some other time. Example: "I'd love to tell you about why I still live in my mother's basement, but it's such a long story, and I want to hear more about you."

Do: Treat her with respect. No matter what kind of frisky feelings you might have over the course of the date, kindness and good manners are almost always appreciated. If things are destined to get hot and heavy early on, let her make that choice. If this is truly a woman you want to spend some more time with, don’t push for too much in the beginning. Of course, that doesn’t mean you need to live the life of a celibate monk either. Use your instincts, and common sense.

Don't: Complain about your ex-girlfriends. If this relationship takes off, there will be time for that later.