We read In Touch, Life & Style, Us Weekly, the National Enquirer and Star this week — so you didn’t have to. Feel free to thank us later.

This week we found out Kim Kardashian is pregnant and alone (again), someone is leaving One Direction, Miley Cyrus was jilted, Snooki lost a bunch of weight and has smaller hair (possibly related), Suri Cruise has a double, Jennifer Lawrence has an awesome life and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

  • In Touch

    In Touch

    We’ve heard it before, but apparently it turns pages because Kim Kardashian is once again pregnant and alone. The poor dear has seen her plan backfire on her -- Kanye has allegedly walked out and she's panicking as she considers the millions she has lost and having to raise her baby by herself. Because, as we all know, if the Kardashians are anything, they're poor and totally alone.

    Between Sean Lowe and AshLee Frazier of ‘The Bachelor,’ no one knows who’s really lying. Also, no one knows who’s really caring, but they’re still on the cover of the magazine so obviously someone does. In any event, AshLee says she’s so over him. And we can relate.

    There's no way you'll believe this, but someone is leaving One Direction. It’s the one guy with the hair that looks like the other guy who dresses like that one guy you know from that other band who looks like the guy in that one group from that one show. So insiders say they’ll definitely have a hard time replacing him.

    We know it’s so crazy, but Suri Cruise has a secret double. We always thought she did her own stunts when we saw her actually walking instead of being carried, but apparently she leaves that crap to her stunt double. She’s no dummy. Why risk an injury when you can leave the hard stuff to the pros?

  • Life & Style

    Life & Style

    In a cheating scandal, Miley Cyrus has been jilted by her fiancé. Sadly, just weeks before their wedding, Miley found out about Liam’s night with January Jones. As most couples do, Cyrus and Hemsworth were discussing their finances and he took her command to “make ends meet in January” really really wrong.

    Sean Lowe, the newest lucky-in-love star of ‘The Bachelor,’ will be having a $1 million wedding. On TV. Of course, with all this talk of his virginity, it’s the honeymoon that we really want to see. And if it gets some sponsors, we're sure it'll get some airtime somewhere.

    We can’t believe that Kim Kardashian was so cruel and attacked her sister Khloe. And we really can’t believe that she didn’t tape the whole thing and upload it to the internet so we could all pay money to watch it. Maybe we can look forward to a pay-per-view UFC celebrity sibling grudge match sometime soon.

    Jennifer Lawrence is part of her own shocker, because there's a pic that everyone is talking about. It's Jennifer Lawrence. Everyone loves her, no matter what she does. Liberal use of the word “shocker” seems to be in play here.

  • Us Weekly

    Us Weekly

    Snooki describes to Us Weekly her extreme body makeover and how she lost 42 pounds. We aren’t dieticians, trainers or medical experts, but we’re guessing removing three or four of those Bump-its from her hair took off at least 30 of them.

    Anne Hathaway threw a diva fit over her Oscar dress. Definitions of the phrase “diva fit” can differ, so if you need a translation, the best we could come up with is that it means finding out that a cast member in the movie you’re nominated for is wearing a very similar dress and then quickly deciding to wear a different dress so you don’t get accused of copying your castmate’s style and then keeping quiet about it while all of Hollywood and the blogosphere makes a huge deal out of it even though you’re not.

    Or something.

    There is a ‘Real Housewives’ shocker that made Adrienne Maloof quit. The shocker being that no one on ‘Real Housewives’ is even a wife any more, and yet there’s still an entire franchise. But we get it, mostly because ‘Real House Divorcees’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. We do think ‘Real House Cougars’ could be a good show, but only if it involved actual cougars and not just sad women desperate for attention.

    Sarah Jessica Parker says her feet are deformed after years of wearing high heels. Experts have always warned against women emulating the unrealistic shape of a Barbie doll and now SJP’s feet are a testament to that danger. And no, we won't make any horseshoe jokes here because they're tired and obvious and you're better than that.

  • National Enquirer

    National Enquirer

    Little Suri Cruise is in the midst of a kidnap shocker, because an FBI insider told the National Enquirer all about how Tom and Katie have spent $12 million to protect their daughter. Apparently, that's all it costs to have an exact clone made of your kid for photo ops. Also included when you purchase a clone: a panic room, armed bodyguards and bombproof vehicles.

    Wouldn't it just be cheaper to just put her in one of those giant plastic balls hamsters roll around in?

    Meanwhile, Tim McGraw has a secret “son.” We really don’t know what the difference is between a son and a “son,” but we’re assuming that’s what the secret is. Maybe it’s a zombie child he’s been keeping alive ‘Walking Dead’-style. Or maybe it’s a sock puppet that he thinks is his kid. Or it’s kind of a Chaz Bono sitch. Only time will tell.

    John F. Kennedy’s grandson, Jack, is the next prince of Camelot. Everyone is very eager to point out that this is rather different from being the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Because when you’re the prince of Kennedy’s Camelot, yours are the kids who are up to no good and making trouble in the neighborhood. Oh, and the dance moves are a lot better in Bel Air.

    Cher is caught up in a heroin nightmare. And, as if that weren’t enough, she’s got a rehab bombshell she’s been hiding from fans. Maybe “bombshell” is what the kids are calling an eight ball these days. In which case, unburdening herself and finding some takers won't be that hard at all.

  • Star


    A pregnant Kim Kardashian is living yet another nightmare in this tabloid week, because she's apparently experienced a 65-pound weight gain. Sources say all of those pounds were put on during an unexpected photoshopping incident. Which does bode well for the previously “pregnant and alone” reality star, because Photoshop pounds are the easiest to lose.

    Jennifer Lawrence is leading a wild, secret life that involves drugs, booze and strip clubs – oh my. We look forward to her self-help book that will tell us where she finds the time, because she’s way busier than we are and if she can find time to do all that awesome stuff, we have hope for ourselves. We're also planning to name our next garage band "Drugs, Booze and Strip Clubs."

    Star magazine has pictures of Adrienne Maloof – of ‘Real Housewives’ fame – before her plastic surgery. You heard it here first: She’s Jimmy Hoffa and she's been secretly walking among us this whole time.

    LeAnn Rimes has had a shocking relapse. Star's sleuthing and surreptitious photography skills have revealed she's back to leaving the house without full-glam makeup on. It’s like she doesn’t even care any more. It’s a clearly a cry for help, you guys. Someone get this woman a tube of mascara and an emergency stick of concealer.